A D*ck Free Detour: Revelations From My 2-Year Celibacy Journey
Self exploration is a full time job you can never retire from. Learning how to listen to oneself & make the necessary pivots for your healing & growth doesn’t always come easy. Two years ago I made a pivot into celibacy. Throughout that journey I learned so much about myself & I felt it’s time to talk about this detour into being d*ck free. I want to start this off by saying that celibacy is NOT for everyone. You don’t HAVE TO be celibate to reach higher levels of spiritual consciousness. I don’t want to do that slut shaming sh*t over here. But what I DO want to do, is discuss how my unexpected detour into not doing the do, has changed my life forever.
In 2020 just as the Panic At The Disco began, I had an abrupt ending to a relationship I’d been in for a few months. The ending very much mirrored the type of ending I’d experienced in some of my previous relationships, so I was especially triggered. Triggered because at this point, I knew that this pattern wasn’t due to my own pride, ego or insecurities. At least not anymore. This was an issue living in my subconscious that needed to be uprooted. So I decided to become celibate to find out what that issue was.
I’ll be honest, celibacy was not very hard for me at all. Probably because this wasn’t my first go around with abstinence. Before relocating to Atlanta in 2017, I was celibate for about six months. I did another small stint of celibacy when I moved back home to Cleveland in 2019 as well. But this time I made the personal commitment to be celibate for one full calendar year. Temptations from old lovers was always there & new temptations were consistently arising as my social media platform began to grow. But my lust to break a pattern was far more enticing.
During the first year of celibacy, I really didn’t think much about it at all. Time flew by. Partially due to government enforced lockdowns & partially due to me simply being BUSY. I am an Aquarius but I have more than a few Capricorn placements, so quite naturally I threw myself into my work. I worked on my brand, worked on my credit, built up my business as a tarot reader & content creator & elevated my lifestyle. As ‘rona restrictions began to dissipate, I started being able to dress up & take myself on solo lunches & dinners. And sometimes brunch too! It was always something that I did, but during my celibacy journey, I became very intentional about it, by providing myself the experiences I wanted to share with a lover.
I was sorting through my wardrobe looking for something to wear to another solo lunch date when I had my first big revelation. I was frustrated because it was close to laundry day & I didn’t have too many options left in the closet. I had brand new dresses hanging the closet, and I wanted to wear one but I kept telling myself that I needed to save it for when I had a “real date”. This was when I realized that in spite of all my confidence & in spite of all the work that I’d done to shed my insecurities, deep down, somewhere within my subconscious, I was still devaluing myself because of my lack of a partner. Saving my new dresses & cute crop tops for uncertain dates in the future with people I haven’t even met yet & making myself fight to find something else to wear in the present. A solo date is very much still a date. I thought why couldn’t I wear the dress for myself? So I popped the tag, put on the dress & made it to my reservations for one.
Society pressures us to “save” things for when we have a partner to enjoy them with. It starts with our bodies. Saving our bodies for the “right one”. Saving the fancy dress for a night when it can be viewed by someone of interest. Masturbation is very much a thing & the laundromat & dry cleaners also exist. We as a society have to learn to start living for ourselves & stop stifling our joy because of our lack of romantic interests. How can we truly love ourselves if we are constantly waiting for the moment to allow ourselves to do or wear certain things? You don’t need a bae to visit that new 5-star restaurant that just opened up. You just need a reservation. It’s that simple, boo.
I had my second big revelation during the second year of my celibacy journey. I decided to go for another 365 days of celibacy because I knew, deep down, there was more that I needed to learn. Last summer I was really in my bag & creating lots of content for social media. It was another year of major growth & I had more than doubled my following from the previous year, so I decided to treat myself to a new Gucci bag to celebrate my achievements. Y’all know I’m a luxury girl. I like nice things & I do not feel bad about it! I was on my way to a facial appointment with my new bag hanging over my shoulder & I realized that I had already given myself the life I wanted & expected from my relationships. My parents divorced when I was two years old & I watched my mother struggle with her finances my entire childhood. It was a routine that every other Saturday we’d go to two, sometimes three different payday loan or cash advance centers. As a child I thought it was fun because the ladies behind the desks were always so nice to me & my mom always bought me French fries whenever we were done. As an adult, I began to fully understand that my mom wasn’t just ACTING like we were poor. We were actually poor & my mother just hid it well.
I often compared my mother to my Aunt May (God rest her soul) who was married. My Aunt was well traveled. She’d been all over the world & was known to steal the show with her pricey Christmas gifts to me & my cousins. Then I looked at my Uncle Terry & his wife, my beautiful & sweet Aunt Jan. They were also a seemingly very stable couple. They’ve owned a big house in East Cleveland since as long as I can remember. Probably even before I was born. We used to have all of our family Christmas dinners there. Then we take a look at my mom’s other sibling, my Uncle Michael (RIP Unc!) who was always up & down with his finances like my mother was. He too, like my mother, was divorced.
By only looking at my own family dynamic, I had subconsciously equated financial stability to being married or in a long term commitment. For so many years I thought I would always be up & down in my finances if I were to remain single. Singleness was directly correlated to instability within my own subconscious. But I looked down at my designer bag & reflected on the life I’d created for myself. My bills were paid on time or in advance, my nails & hair were always done, I went shopping whenever I felt like it, my home was taken care of, I had a decent savings stacked up. I live a life of freedom. I created & maintained stability as a single woman. And I realized that I had been doing so since 2015. Since 2015, I had been taking care of myself & financially stable. Sure there was a short time around 2018-2019 when I wasn’t due to an ex leaving me with no place to live, but I bounced back from that in only a few short months. I hadn’t been to a payday loan center or received a cash advance since like 2012. So I’d already broken that cycle & healed that generational trauma. I just had to buy myself an expensive purse & stop having sex to realize this.
I hate that this 2nd revelation was sparked by acquiring a material possession, but I formally believe that everything serves a purpose in life. These revelations made me realize that I was a habitual settler. I habitually settled for less than what I wanted in relationships & potential partners. In the past, this led to me going on dates with people I had no interest in just to wear a new outfit, holding onto relationships far passed their expiration date due the fear of financial instability later on in the future. Hence, the abrupt endings that became a mild but relevant pattern in my dating life. I knew that everything I needed was already within me, but I had to go on this celibacy journey to BELIEVE it.
I am thankful that I decided to rock out with this celibacy journey for a whole two years. I learned so much about myself, my needs & my subconscious fears. I wanted to share this story because I know that I am surely not the only person that has needed to find this type of clarity in their lives. Can you find this type of clarity without being celibate? ABSOLUTELY. For me, celibacy wasn’t so much about sex, as it was about pushing myself into higher levels of independence, healing old wounds & taking both ownership & accountability for the types of relationships I’d attracted into my life. As a highly sexual being, sex would sometimes become a distraction, an unnecessary coping mechanism or put me in the position to “settle” once again. I knew myself enough to know that was what I needed to gain better understanding. So I encourage you to set whatever boundaries are needed for your own self exploration & shadow work. Whether those boundaries have to do with sex or not.
Now as I am re-entering the dating pool, I can have the strength to maintain my standards & boundaries without doubt or subconscious triggers chipping away at them. I still go on my solo dates (at least 2x a week!) & I am still continually working on myself & healing. The journey to knowing oneself is a never ending one. It will be interesting to see the next growth journey or “detour” life takes me in during these new chapters of self love & healing. However this celibacy journey & d*ck free detour is definitely coming to an end. Time to dust the cobwebs off!